I made some big mistakes last weekend. Fundamental mistakes. I’ve been avoiding the business aspect of DJ’ing because I hate dealing with money (though, I do like dealing black jack). I don’t count well beyond 16 and whenever anyone mentions the flimsy green stacks of paper that we put value into, my eyes gloss over and my ears create a tunnel from one to the other through my brain. I just don’t pay enough attention. But now is the time for me to start paying … attention. That was one mistake.
The second mistake was the opposite of fundamental. I trusted someone that I didn’t know. You may think that trusting a stranger is a mistake, but I disagree. I choose not to believe that. I will protect myself from it in the future, but I refuse to believe that the fundamental nature of the human being is to wrong his brothers and sisters. I think due to the environment surrounding us, this behavior is learned.
Which means it can be unlearned.
A freak thing happened to me on the 4th of July this year. I was sitting in a camping chair at the top of Liz & Lauri’s driveway, watching our friends shoot off fireworks to celebrate our great nation’s “independence”. Momo lit one – a big one! – that went off on the ground instead of in the air. Sitting in the front row about 10 yards away, I saw a bright green ember coming at me. It bounced off the ground twice and fell right into my V-cut t-shirt, dove down my blouse and bounced between my boobs. I jumped up and pulled the shirt away from me to get the flaming glow out from burning my skin, but it bit me pretty hard. I had a few burn scars and an awful lot of pain that night. It was such a freak thing… the chances of that piece of firework going right down my blouse. I compare it to Luke Skywalker shooting down the Death Star. Too weird to be an accident. There must be a message. – use the Force!
I came out of that experience thinking that I need to harden my heart, thicken my skin. I was really down on my self esteem Sunday morning. My bad decisions brought up feelings of guilt and hopelessness, exhaustion and self-doubt. I am pushed to my limits. It took me a few days after my experience this weekend to pull myself back into myself (with the help of many beautiful friends) and realize that what I feel inside is stronger than the forces that push against me. I relieve myself of my errors, learn and continue to fight. One step back to take two steps forward. Actually, fuck two steps. I’m taking a giant leap.
