Back at the beginning of May, I went down to Portland to play at Ohm. For the rest of the weekend, I hung out with my Portland brothers and chilled. Infinikid was showing me his studio setup and Ableton, a software that is used to compose music. I mentioned to him that I had the money allocated to get a Midi Controller so I could start learning this, but I had been so busy DJing that I hadn't bought one yet. He said, 'How about now?'. Without wasting another minute, we hopped in his VW Bus and rode to the Music Store. As soon as I had mine purchased and in my hands, I felt the paradigm shift. To the Right.
Even further back, at the end of January, I had received a phone call from Nathaniel, a booker at Rebar. He offered me a monthly there, every first Thursday. They wanted it to be a queer night. I took it on. I found a hook. We danced. The first night was a smashing success. But over the course of a few months, the air balloon that I had launched slowly lost its steam. The third month, it crashed.
I'm learning many lessons.
Things went smoothly for me for a while, even soared. But now I am starting new. Within both projects. Within myself. Within the world around me. A new phase, new difficulties. Doors I thought were sturdy close behind my back. The handles break off as I turn them. Rust coats my fingers. I smear the amber dust over my face, my body, fighting the feelings of failure that try to take me. Anger, frustration. I kick the door. The wood splits, flimsy. I bleed. Into me.
Why not jump ship? Abandon the Labyrinthe that has been testing me. There are two long levels of them, after all, stacked one on top the other. Two places of worship I know nothing about. Expectation. Of myself. Its unfair to make a perfectionist so easily bored. Unethical to force an egoist be heedful to listen.
Why not just let go of my dreams and live on my life in a warm pool of memory and mediocrity?
I question my stance. Do I belong here? Are the floors falling out from under me because I am off my path? Or are the tall hedges and iron gates part of my building blocks to a new me, one that is more equipped with the Tools I need to propel me forward to unknown lands? How do I give up that which I'm so used to giving, which works so well, for Tools that, when held, I can barely recognize even my own hands? Seems I can't spring forward without first building the spring. And before that, where to buy coil.
The horizon I can see is beyond what is real. Its image, even, beyond imaginary.
But it is not beyond me.
