Not so early Wednesday, Robb Green, Mosaic and I headed for a day trip to Santa Cruz. This peace loving town is a mere 1 hour from San Francisco (1 1/2 along the coast). I couldn't have picked a better week to be in the bay area. The sun's reflection on the ocean burned its border with the sky a brilliant blue.
Since Mosaic spent a few years as a resident in the town, his return was like a reunion around every corner. We met up with an old friend of his for some lunch at Charlie Hong Kong, an Asian outdoor diner with organic food so fresh I looked around to the back expecting to find its own sustainable garden. Yum! This was my first taste of this tender town, a hippie paradise tainted with tourists. After lunch we cruised the shops, passing by all of them except the town's three record stores. I purchased Hot Chip's new album 'Made in the Dark' in preparation for their performance at Coachella at the end of April. (The name, I found out through Remix Magazine is a tribute to the fact that many of the songs were made from their respective bedrooms). After a quick tour through the bustling outdoor market and snagging some taste tests, we rested at a one of the countless coffee shops carved from a huge victorian home complete with a gorgeous outdoor seating section. I love how so many restaurants, bars and coffee shops (and even fast food joints!) in California grant the luxury of lounging outdoors!
Once we were juiced up on caffeine, we headed to the boardwalk which was opportunely open for all the families enjoying a summery Spring Break. We passed through rides, arcades and greasy spoons to the lovely light sandy beach where said families were scattered in an array of idle. There we met up with more friends of Mosaic's who were chillin' with warm beers and a football that was one size smaller than the usual -- perfect for fitting my dainty hands. I tossed it around with the boys, wowing them with my spiral so unusually found from girls. (Until the Powder Puff revolution, of course -- or are we still waiting for that? Bring it on!)
As the sun started into the West-most part of the sky, we realized we should start the drive back to the city so I would be on time to show my not-so-hidden talent. I was set to play at 9pm at Qoöl, "an original clubbing happy hour in SF, if not the world. Every Wednesday evening, starting at 5pm, Jondi & Spesh host a five hour club night at 111 Minna in San Francisco. The music has a progressive theme, from prog house to breaks to techno and even drum 'n bass. Each dj plays a short 45 minute set, and the talent ranges from bedroom DJs to international supastars. Partygoers range from electronic music loving phreeks to unemployed dot-commers (not mutually exclusive), and the enthusiasm and dedication of Qoölios is world famous. In fact Qoöl is often pegged for its personal vibe and all out 'Saturday at 3AM' feeling. The door is only $5 and a good chunk of the proceeds go to non-profit organizations, including The SETI Institute and the San Francisco Homeless Coalition." Stoked to be part of Qoöl (via Qoöl Seattle), we followed the ocean back to the bay, grabbed my CD's back at the Casa and entered the Art Gallery at 7:41.
Despite the nearly 500 people that were crowding the bars and dance area, I was not very nervous for this gig. Since I had visited the venue back in December and already had a feel for the crowd, I had confidence that my new sound -- high-energy electro house blended with San Francisco's fascination for funky nu skool breaks -- was enough to keep the crowd at Qoöl from turning cold. The only cold I felt was the sweat on my back after my set was finished as I set out in the evening, my ears ringing from the booth monitors and my San Francisco support group -- Robb, Mugs, Chloe and Mosaic, by my side.
More pics from Santa Cruz and Qoöl.
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Thursday, March 27, 2008
My West Coast Adventure Begins
My West Coast Adventure began last Thursday in my sister city, San Francisco. Robb Green picked me up at 6-ish at the Alaska gate and we headed back to the Casa in the Mission where Mugs was preparing some snacks for the party they were throwing that night. The party was the 3rd installment of Shameless' Adaptor, a filthy electro, techno, breaks and Drum 'n Bass night at Annie's Social Club. The best thing about Annie's is not it's co-owner/manager/bartender/poker dude Sean or its grimy punk rock attitude. Its the back VIP room, a perfect palace for an exclusive burlesque party... my favorite!
Adaptor was great fun to DJ. Robb and I tagged back and forth, setting the stage for Ding Dong, of Brass Tax and TANG! fame. Its was also a great meet up spot for all that were headed the next day on a short road trip for the weekend. We tooled around for a bit in the city on Friday before grabbing our gear and heading to Yosemite National Park for a relaxing weekend getaway.
Up in the mountains, Robb, Megan, Chloe and I stayed at the Redwoods in Yosemite. There we accompanied 12 other adult-kids, 5 actual-kids (all under the age of 10) and 4 dogs (the most mellow ones in the bunch) in two huge cabins with big kitchens and great stone fireplaces. Each night the moon was full enough to keep us captive and each morning there was a batch of bacon to bounce us out of bed. On Saturday many of us adult-kids headed up to hike to the top of Chilnuala Falls. This 9 mile round-trip hike was beautiful each step of the way. We took most of the afternoon to journey to the top, slowed only slightly by our oldest hiker, Sampson -- who is 98 years old!! In dog years, that is. Still, a 14-year old dog hitting a 9-mile hike is no small feet. Sampson receives the Rockstar Award! His legs were almost as sore as mine the next day, but the view at the top was well worth it. We dipped our cups into the crystal clear water, just run off from the last winter's snow. The journey down was far simpler, and back at the cabin we prepared a yummy steak dinner with salad and wine.
Easter Sunday we arrived back in the city early enough to enjoy the end of a day party in Golden Gate Park. The speakers had begun booming at 7am and DJ's spun tunes till sundown. We said hello to a few friends there and made our way down to Ocean Beach to catch the sunset. The sun was shining in the Sunset district, a sight none too common. After finding ourselves in awe of a new extreme sport called Kiteskating, we admired the rest of the sunset and headed to Haight to find some amazing Thai food.
The next few days Robb and I chilled and indulged in the entire first season of Dexter. We set off on Wednesday with Mosaic Santa Cruz to grab some rays before my gig at Qool. Then on Thursday, I'm off to Venice Beach, CA for the second leg of my West Coast Adventure.
View all my photos of San Francisco and Yosemite.
Adaptor was great fun to DJ. Robb and I tagged back and forth, setting the stage for Ding Dong, of Brass Tax and TANG! fame. Its was also a great meet up spot for all that were headed the next day on a short road trip for the weekend. We tooled around for a bit in the city on Friday before grabbing our gear and heading to Yosemite National Park for a relaxing weekend getaway.
Up in the mountains, Robb, Megan, Chloe and I stayed at the Redwoods in Yosemite. There we accompanied 12 other adult-kids, 5 actual-kids (all under the age of 10) and 4 dogs (the most mellow ones in the bunch) in two huge cabins with big kitchens and great stone fireplaces. Each night the moon was full enough to keep us captive and each morning there was a batch of bacon to bounce us out of bed. On Saturday many of us adult-kids headed up to hike to the top of Chilnuala Falls. This 9 mile round-trip hike was beautiful each step of the way. We took most of the afternoon to journey to the top, slowed only slightly by our oldest hiker, Sampson -- who is 98 years old!! In dog years, that is. Still, a 14-year old dog hitting a 9-mile hike is no small feet. Sampson receives the Rockstar Award! His legs were almost as sore as mine the next day, but the view at the top was well worth it. We dipped our cups into the crystal clear water, just run off from the last winter's snow. The journey down was far simpler, and back at the cabin we prepared a yummy steak dinner with salad and wine.
Easter Sunday we arrived back in the city early enough to enjoy the end of a day party in Golden Gate Park. The speakers had begun booming at 7am and DJ's spun tunes till sundown. We said hello to a few friends there and made our way down to Ocean Beach to catch the sunset. The sun was shining in the Sunset district, a sight none too common. After finding ourselves in awe of a new extreme sport called Kiteskating, we admired the rest of the sunset and headed to Haight to find some amazing Thai food.
The next few days Robb and I chilled and indulged in the entire first season of Dexter. We set off on Wednesday with Mosaic Santa Cruz to grab some rays before my gig at Qool. Then on Thursday, I'm off to Venice Beach, CA for the second leg of my West Coast Adventure.
View all my photos of San Francisco and Yosemite.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
NEXT GIGs: Adapter & Qool ~ both in SF!
Wed March 26 @ Qool Sf
Qoöl
Rock. Solid. Qoöl. Guests Marc Fong, Will Spencer, Hoj, Jen Woolfe (from Qoöl Seattle), with Spesh & Gil.
Every Wednesday from 5pm to 10pm
Minna Gallery, 111 Minna Street,
San Francisco, CA.
Reply to this Bulletin for Guest List!!
Thur March 20 @ Annie's Social Club
~AdApToR~Thurs. 3.20.08~Ding Dong, Robb Green, Jen Woolfe, DJJD
Hey there kats and dawgs, its another installment of the new *shameless* monthly AdApToR!!
This month we tune our dials in for some seriously funky house with a dash of other tasty musical morsels. Also this month we'll be drawing from both the long-distance as well as the local talent for your listening pleasure.
ChEcK iT oUt . .
3.20.08
shameless presents : AdApToR
Featuring:
Ding Dong (BtX, TANG!)
Jen Woolfe (Qool Seattle)
Robb Green (shameless)
DJJD (False Profit)
shameless . . .
Originally a crew from Seattle, shameless
is known and named for the party atmosphere they
create. Bringing a packed line up of floor shakers
into a new location for parties, this should
definitely not be missed. The shameless ethos of
‘leave your shame at the door and come to party” will
certainly be in effect.
SHAME OFF GAME ON
Happy Birthday Eunice!
10pm -2am ~ $5 @ the door
21 yrs. + only
Annie's Social Club (formerly Cherry Bar)
917 Folsom St (@ 5th St.) in San Francisco
mailing list: simply.shameless.sf@gmail.com
Qoöl
Rock. Solid. Qoöl. Guests Marc Fong, Will Spencer, Hoj, Jen Woolfe (from Qoöl Seattle), with Spesh & Gil.
Every Wednesday from 5pm to 10pm
Minna Gallery, 111 Minna Street,
San Francisco, CA.
Reply to this Bulletin for Guest List!!
Thur March 20 @ Annie's Social Club
~AdApToR~Thurs. 3.20.08~Ding Dong, Robb Green, Jen Woolfe, DJJD
Hey there kats and dawgs, its another installment of the new *shameless* monthly AdApToR!!
This month we tune our dials in for some seriously funky house with a dash of other tasty musical morsels. Also this month we'll be drawing from both the long-distance as well as the local talent for your listening pleasure.
ChEcK iT oUt . .
3.20.08
shameless presents : AdApToR
Featuring:
Ding Dong (BtX, TANG!)
Jen Woolfe (Qool Seattle)
Robb Green (shameless)
DJJD (False Profit)
shameless . . .
Originally a crew from Seattle, shameless
is known and named for the party atmosphere they
create. Bringing a packed line up of floor shakers
into a new location for parties, this should
definitely not be missed. The shameless ethos of
‘leave your shame at the door and come to party” will
certainly be in effect.
SHAME OFF GAME ON
Happy Birthday Eunice!
10pm -2am ~ $5 @ the door
21 yrs. + only
Annie's Social Club (formerly Cherry Bar)
917 Folsom St (@ 5th St.) in San Francisco
mailing list: simply.shameless.sf@gmail.com
A Previous Paradigm
I would like to share with you some writings from my past. I've been reading my journals from the time I left college until now. Following my path of growth is fascinating! The entries I am going to share with you are from summer of 2000. These are blogs before blogging was born. The Internet was but a baby. Its a time in my life where I realized I was embarking on a new paradigm. Not the one I just finished, but the one before that. Its just after I started partying and just before I started to become a DJ. Far before Burning Man or the Leschi Lounge, or even Jen Woolfe. I was 25. I had a degree, a career, a sex life, great friends, a cat, my own place. I was forming my first true identity.
Early June, 2000
------------------------------
'Isn't it crazy how some things never change?
Here I am, two weeks shy of 25 years old, and I'm still drawing the same doodle-boy that I drew when I was 16. Sure, he looks a little different: different hair, different grin, different style of clothes. But still the same doodle.
Has my doodle gotten an wiser over 10 years? I know now from my 10 years of doodle experience where to start the line for the neck, the tuft for the hair, the lift of the ears. I know how to cover up my doodle mistakes. I still make them, of course. But are they less noticeable? Less careless? Less important?
My doodle is still a simple idea. It sill follows the same simple goals. Two googly eyes, a button nose, a long face.
No smile today.
Simple clothes and simple jeans.
No shoes today. To show off his cutsie toes.
Is my doodle me? Have I changed? Or am I the same? Following the same scratchy lines, matching the same ideals, wearing the same simple look on my face?
Each day a little different. A little less. A little more... doodley.'
------------------------------
This next "blog" references many of the girls and boys that I been in varying degrees of relationships with and how much I learned from them. I was completely unattached, as I am now. I was what Iyanla Vanzant would refer to as 'In the Meantime'. I was comfortable with that, but curious. I was reflective but diffident. I was about to embark on a cozy relationship with the Soccer Star, but I didn't know it. I was also about to find my passion in music, my Destiny, something I had longed for, also unknowingly. Maybe something I had longed for even more than love. For I always knew that somehow I would find love, perhaps even over and over. But Destiny? I doubted, at the time, that I could be so blessed. [I've added some notes and aliases to protect those who have not opted into a cyber presence].
July 3, 2000
------------------------------
'So I guess I have a lot to talk about -- more than I thought I did. A lot of huge things are happening - a paradigm - and I almost didn't notice. Its so funny how some things don't change. I still go into a super-hip coffee shop and feel like a dork. I'll probably never get it right.
Today's the kind of day where I need a haircut. Its a gorgeous day in Seattle. The air is moderately warm, the sky is gray. I left the house wearing a sweater, no hat, and sandles, braving the idea that there's a 50/50 chance of rain. The day is good: somber, mellow, the fresh scent of weed tickling my nostrils (along with my cat). Next door to the Still Life [an old cafe that is now closed] (where I exuded idiocy in front of a gorgeous girl with spiky-purple hair) they are building a condominium. Fremont is pissing patchouli. This hippie town was happier hiding in the hairy armpits of downtown, unnoticed. Things were good until they made the mistake of building the best parade in the city [the annual Solstice Parade]. Big business noticed this treasure and built a software shop across from the Natural Market -- then Seattle in the 21st Century was born. My favorite billboard, "You don't have to be a 23 year-old C.E.O. of a software company to buy a home". Yeah, right.
So I guess I have a lot to talk about (but I'm not saying any of it). I wonder if I could be the writer I always dreamed I could be. So many story's main characters are writers. That bores me.
So I'm thinking of dating a guy. There's some hotties here, pseudo-naturale-hiker-skater types. H-O-T. Too bad when I kiss them it feels numb.
I spent all weekend with the Soccer Star and I really liked it. We are reaching the "I really like to hang out with you so I must be attracted to you" stage. She's cute as shit. But I feel like dating her would be pushing me into a 'Type B' relationship. I've had them before: My Harmless High School boyfriend, the Adorable Irish Boy, the Bionic Chic. Secure. Charming. Passionless. This is the type of relationship I imagine having if you out-live the love of your life. Many people get into relationships like these, marry, and are moderately happy. But they don't grow.
The fear is that people [i.e. me!] are afraid that there won't be more. Like that relationship is the last chance. If I give up this Type B relationship, will I ever get the chance for a Type A relationship again? And, if I take the Type B relationship, will I be giving up the Type A relationship forever? I guess the real question (or the real challenge) is, Will there always be an inevitable Type A? Or is there only one Type A ever? I've already proven that wrong, as my First Love was a definite Type A [meaning I'd already had one Type A relationship and knew there would be more to follow especially since my First Love was not a woman].
Type A relationship -- True Love. You know, one of those people floating around the world whose soul's are connected, in love, with yours. Before you ever meet (if you ever meet), you are automatically connected, soul to soul, in life (and possibly death) and even more possibly, life again.
Bionic Chic said something interesting about our connection. She said she felt we were old soul mates, like we were together in the past and no longer need each other, at least in this life. Its funny to think that I was dreaming of my first sex [with a woman] on the bus going to softball games (and tennis matches) and she was right there, sitting less than 10 feet away from me [it didn't happen until 6 years later]. How amazing that our souls follow each other so closely.
I run into The Climber frequently [a short-lived but passionate fling]. I always look for her, though I know I shouldn't. Last Tuesday I got off the bus one stop early, honestly to save time waiting for an eternal red light. There she was, boyish and beautiful, smiling at me with crystal green eyes. I haven't seen her since. We had shared a few short moments of romantic bliss. I hold tightly to the sensation of her frail body leaning against mine, listening to Natalie Merchant, feeling the loud beating of my heart, fully-fullfilled. I had given The Teacher [a romantic but toilsome relationship] Natalie Merchant, to help her live life. I gave her 'Live is Sweet'. I wanted her to know this feeling [my bad habit of projecting, as I'm completely ignoring the fact that I learned it, too]. She does. She did. She learned. She found beauty. And now she no longer needs me. So I left.
I told The Climber that I was tired of always being the one to teach people shit. I told her this as I handed her "The Celestine Prophesy" and gave her positive words to help her find her path. I did so selfishly, secretly wanting her path to lead to me. That wasn't true for everyone. I knew most of their paths were not towards me. I hoped as much. Maybe I manipulated them in an opposite direction. Maybe I led the the wrong way. But I don't think so.
I handed The Climber that book, knowing it may be the last thing she needs from me before moving on. I may never run into her on the street again. I may never see her smiling secretly at me again. I need to let go so it doesn't hurt anymore. If I let go, I can continue to the next phase - mine. Building me. Learning about me. Living with me. When people ask me about how I like living by myself, I tell them that its lonely. But is it really lonely? Or am I lonely? And how can I teach myself to enjoy that feeling of being only with me? Of being alone? Am I really alone if I am here?
I suppose I'm never alone, as long as I'm always with me. And I never seem to leave, as much as I want to. Probably because I don't really want to. I like it here. With me.'
------------------------------
I realized that all my life I had always looked forward to the time I would be 25. In high school, even college, I always wanted to be 25. And I was there. I had made it. I also realized that I needed to sit back and enjoy the me I had created. So maybe that's where I also am now: two paradigms, two long-term and many short but sensational relationships later, about to embark on a new re-design of me. Sitting atop a tree of experience, of artistic and emotional work, of a new and brilliant sense of self. No attachments (except to my tree).
July 12, 2000
------------------------------
The sky is soaring,
High above the clouds.
My heart rests
Beside a pale moon.
I Stop,
Take a deep Breath
Of the Ocean,
Refill my lungs with Life,
Vibrant, fresh.
I look upon Myself
From the Treetops,
Wink and tip my Hat.
My crystal eyes Sparkle
From below.
My Soul is Smiling.
Early June, 2000
------------------------------
'Isn't it crazy how some things never change?
Here I am, two weeks shy of 25 years old, and I'm still drawing the same doodle-boy that I drew when I was 16. Sure, he looks a little different: different hair, different grin, different style of clothes. But still the same doodle.
Has my doodle gotten an wiser over 10 years? I know now from my 10 years of doodle experience where to start the line for the neck, the tuft for the hair, the lift of the ears. I know how to cover up my doodle mistakes. I still make them, of course. But are they less noticeable? Less careless? Less important?
My doodle is still a simple idea. It sill follows the same simple goals. Two googly eyes, a button nose, a long face.
No smile today.
Simple clothes and simple jeans.
No shoes today. To show off his cutsie toes.
Is my doodle me? Have I changed? Or am I the same? Following the same scratchy lines, matching the same ideals, wearing the same simple look on my face?
Each day a little different. A little less. A little more... doodley.'
------------------------------
This next "blog" references many of the girls and boys that I been in varying degrees of relationships with and how much I learned from them. I was completely unattached, as I am now. I was what Iyanla Vanzant would refer to as 'In the Meantime'. I was comfortable with that, but curious. I was reflective but diffident. I was about to embark on a cozy relationship with the Soccer Star, but I didn't know it. I was also about to find my passion in music, my Destiny, something I had longed for, also unknowingly. Maybe something I had longed for even more than love. For I always knew that somehow I would find love, perhaps even over and over. But Destiny? I doubted, at the time, that I could be so blessed. [I've added some notes and aliases to protect those who have not opted into a cyber presence].
July 3, 2000
------------------------------
'So I guess I have a lot to talk about -- more than I thought I did. A lot of huge things are happening - a paradigm - and I almost didn't notice. Its so funny how some things don't change. I still go into a super-hip coffee shop and feel like a dork. I'll probably never get it right.
Today's the kind of day where I need a haircut. Its a gorgeous day in Seattle. The air is moderately warm, the sky is gray. I left the house wearing a sweater, no hat, and sandles, braving the idea that there's a 50/50 chance of rain. The day is good: somber, mellow, the fresh scent of weed tickling my nostrils (along with my cat). Next door to the Still Life [an old cafe that is now closed] (where I exuded idiocy in front of a gorgeous girl with spiky-purple hair) they are building a condominium. Fremont is pissing patchouli. This hippie town was happier hiding in the hairy armpits of downtown, unnoticed. Things were good until they made the mistake of building the best parade in the city [the annual Solstice Parade]. Big business noticed this treasure and built a software shop across from the Natural Market -- then Seattle in the 21st Century was born. My favorite billboard, "You don't have to be a 23 year-old C.E.O. of a software company to buy a home". Yeah, right.
So I guess I have a lot to talk about (but I'm not saying any of it). I wonder if I could be the writer I always dreamed I could be. So many story's main characters are writers. That bores me.
So I'm thinking of dating a guy. There's some hotties here, pseudo-naturale-hiker-skater types. H-O-T. Too bad when I kiss them it feels numb.
I spent all weekend with the Soccer Star and I really liked it. We are reaching the "I really like to hang out with you so I must be attracted to you" stage. She's cute as shit. But I feel like dating her would be pushing me into a 'Type B' relationship. I've had them before: My Harmless High School boyfriend, the Adorable Irish Boy, the Bionic Chic. Secure. Charming. Passionless. This is the type of relationship I imagine having if you out-live the love of your life. Many people get into relationships like these, marry, and are moderately happy. But they don't grow.
The fear is that people [i.e. me!] are afraid that there won't be more. Like that relationship is the last chance. If I give up this Type B relationship, will I ever get the chance for a Type A relationship again? And, if I take the Type B relationship, will I be giving up the Type A relationship forever? I guess the real question (or the real challenge) is, Will there always be an inevitable Type A? Or is there only one Type A ever? I've already proven that wrong, as my First Love was a definite Type A [meaning I'd already had one Type A relationship and knew there would be more to follow especially since my First Love was not a woman].
Type A relationship -- True Love. You know, one of those people floating around the world whose soul's are connected, in love, with yours. Before you ever meet (if you ever meet), you are automatically connected, soul to soul, in life (and possibly death) and even more possibly, life again.
Bionic Chic said something interesting about our connection. She said she felt we were old soul mates, like we were together in the past and no longer need each other, at least in this life. Its funny to think that I was dreaming of my first sex [with a woman] on the bus going to softball games (and tennis matches) and she was right there, sitting less than 10 feet away from me [it didn't happen until 6 years later]. How amazing that our souls follow each other so closely.
I run into The Climber frequently [a short-lived but passionate fling]. I always look for her, though I know I shouldn't. Last Tuesday I got off the bus one stop early, honestly to save time waiting for an eternal red light. There she was, boyish and beautiful, smiling at me with crystal green eyes. I haven't seen her since. We had shared a few short moments of romantic bliss. I hold tightly to the sensation of her frail body leaning against mine, listening to Natalie Merchant, feeling the loud beating of my heart, fully-fullfilled. I had given The Teacher [a romantic but toilsome relationship] Natalie Merchant, to help her live life. I gave her 'Live is Sweet'. I wanted her to know this feeling [my bad habit of projecting, as I'm completely ignoring the fact that I learned it, too]. She does. She did. She learned. She found beauty. And now she no longer needs me. So I left.
I told The Climber that I was tired of always being the one to teach people shit. I told her this as I handed her "The Celestine Prophesy" and gave her positive words to help her find her path. I did so selfishly, secretly wanting her path to lead to me. That wasn't true for everyone. I knew most of their paths were not towards me. I hoped as much. Maybe I manipulated them in an opposite direction. Maybe I led the the wrong way. But I don't think so.
I handed The Climber that book, knowing it may be the last thing she needs from me before moving on. I may never run into her on the street again. I may never see her smiling secretly at me again. I need to let go so it doesn't hurt anymore. If I let go, I can continue to the next phase - mine. Building me. Learning about me. Living with me. When people ask me about how I like living by myself, I tell them that its lonely. But is it really lonely? Or am I lonely? And how can I teach myself to enjoy that feeling of being only with me? Of being alone? Am I really alone if I am here?
I suppose I'm never alone, as long as I'm always with me. And I never seem to leave, as much as I want to. Probably because I don't really want to. I like it here. With me.'
------------------------------
I realized that all my life I had always looked forward to the time I would be 25. In high school, even college, I always wanted to be 25. And I was there. I had made it. I also realized that I needed to sit back and enjoy the me I had created. So maybe that's where I also am now: two paradigms, two long-term and many short but sensational relationships later, about to embark on a new re-design of me. Sitting atop a tree of experience, of artistic and emotional work, of a new and brilliant sense of self. No attachments (except to my tree).
July 12, 2000
------------------------------
The sky is soaring,
High above the clouds.
My heart rests
Beside a pale moon.
I Stop,
Take a deep Breath
Of the Ocean,
Refill my lungs with Life,
Vibrant, fresh.
I look upon Myself
From the Treetops,
Wink and tip my Hat.
My crystal eyes Sparkle
From below.
My Soul is Smiling.
Friday, March 14, 2008
10 Things I Hate About Me
Expectational
Manipulative
Self-Sacrificing
Projectory
Make Assumptions
Judgmental
Passive Aggressive (Indirect)
Controlling
Dishonest (especially with myself)
Bad Breath Between my Teeth
Don't worry, I'm not hating myself. I'm loving myself, all parts of me. Even the ones that I don't want. That's why I'm writing this, because in order to get rid of these traits, I must first know about them. Willingness to reach inside of yourself and pull up the garbage takes incredible strength and character and I know that. But man, its tough, TOUGH to see the dark parts of yourself. A friend - and healer - gave me a book to read that has been monumental in finding traits that I want to distinguish and cycles that I indulge in that cause them to surface. Its called In the Meantime by Iyanla Vanzant and I recommend it like I recommend The Four Agreements.
Cycles. They're like riding a bike. After nearly four years of being in a relationship, the minute I become single again, I fall back into the cycles I had back when I was 28. But I'm very different than I was back then, and those behaviors no longer represent who I am today. They don't fit. Wait, don't get me wrong, the 10 Things I Hate About Me do fit. Its the behaviors that revolve around them that are unbecoming. As I watch myself perform them, I feel appalled, embarrassed, ashamed.
But I can't take all the credit for the 10 Things. Its learned. Not entirely from my parents, but much.
You spend your 20's undoing all the things your parents did to you.
You spend your 30's undoing all the things their parents did to them.
My childhood was amazing and I'm blessed with three parents who love and support me no matter what. And they broke cycles, many cycles, just like I'm breaking the cycles that they didn't know about and that I picked up from others along the way. And despite standing just above a water of depression and indulging in an increased desire to drink, I realize that the time that comes just after ending a long-term relationship is a blessing. And being single is a blessing, just like being in a relationship is a blessing. Because its the best time to open the blinds to your own self and start the process of throwing away those things that you no longer need.
Some things are easy to get rid of (flossing more would greatly benefit my morning breath). Some things, like being dishonest with myself, are harder to see. I think of two more things The Healer told me.
One is that there are 4 levels of change.
Level 1: You don't know that you have something you want to change.
Level 2: You know you have something you want to change, but can't see when you are doing it. Level 3: You know you have something you want to change, can see when you are doing it, but you can't stop yourself from doing it.
Level 4: You know you have something you want to change, you see yourself doing it and you make the CHOICE not to do it. So much about cycles is understanding when you have the choice and then exercising it.
The second thing The Healer said that I hear in my mind almost weekly is 'Show compassion for yourself'. I am learning, growing, feeling. I'm am human, flawed, but I'm open and willing and I must give myself room to grow and the support I need to work through it. And so, its not 10 Things I Hate About Me, its 10 Things I Have About Me that I no longer have the desire to keep.
Manipulative
Self-Sacrificing
Projectory
Make Assumptions
Judgmental
Passive Aggressive (Indirect)
Controlling
Dishonest (especially with myself)
Bad Breath Between my Teeth
Don't worry, I'm not hating myself. I'm loving myself, all parts of me. Even the ones that I don't want. That's why I'm writing this, because in order to get rid of these traits, I must first know about them. Willingness to reach inside of yourself and pull up the garbage takes incredible strength and character and I know that. But man, its tough, TOUGH to see the dark parts of yourself. A friend - and healer - gave me a book to read that has been monumental in finding traits that I want to distinguish and cycles that I indulge in that cause them to surface. Its called In the Meantime by Iyanla Vanzant and I recommend it like I recommend The Four Agreements.
Cycles. They're like riding a bike. After nearly four years of being in a relationship, the minute I become single again, I fall back into the cycles I had back when I was 28. But I'm very different than I was back then, and those behaviors no longer represent who I am today. They don't fit. Wait, don't get me wrong, the 10 Things I Hate About Me do fit. Its the behaviors that revolve around them that are unbecoming. As I watch myself perform them, I feel appalled, embarrassed, ashamed.
But I can't take all the credit for the 10 Things. Its learned. Not entirely from my parents, but much.
You spend your 20's undoing all the things your parents did to you.
You spend your 30's undoing all the things their parents did to them.
My childhood was amazing and I'm blessed with three parents who love and support me no matter what. And they broke cycles, many cycles, just like I'm breaking the cycles that they didn't know about and that I picked up from others along the way. And despite standing just above a water of depression and indulging in an increased desire to drink, I realize that the time that comes just after ending a long-term relationship is a blessing. And being single is a blessing, just like being in a relationship is a blessing. Because its the best time to open the blinds to your own self and start the process of throwing away those things that you no longer need.
Some things are easy to get rid of (flossing more would greatly benefit my morning breath). Some things, like being dishonest with myself, are harder to see. I think of two more things The Healer told me.
One is that there are 4 levels of change.
Level 1: You don't know that you have something you want to change.
Level 2: You know you have something you want to change, but can't see when you are doing it. Level 3: You know you have something you want to change, can see when you are doing it, but you can't stop yourself from doing it.
Level 4: You know you have something you want to change, you see yourself doing it and you make the CHOICE not to do it. So much about cycles is understanding when you have the choice and then exercising it.
The second thing The Healer said that I hear in my mind almost weekly is 'Show compassion for yourself'. I am learning, growing, feeling. I'm am human, flawed, but I'm open and willing and I must give myself room to grow and the support I need to work through it. And so, its not 10 Things I Hate About Me, its 10 Things I Have About Me that I no longer have the desire to keep.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
MeTube
There was a camera crew at SeeSound Lounge last Friday when I opened for DJ Colette. Check out some footage on YouTube posted by undrgrdwmn!
Part I
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mtGloo5OHko
Part II
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iDcUKY9djyw
And, on Saturday, March 15th, come down to the ReGroove.A.Nation afterparty @ Year of the Monkey where I'll be serving up yummy drinks at the Elixir bar with the famous flight attendants.
ReGroove.A.Nation afterhours @ Year of the Monkey
This year Innerflight is going down to Burningman with a mission! This
will be the first of several fundraiser events for camp ReGroove.A.Nation!!
Special musical guest...
PHILLIP WESTERN [live] The Record Company/philwestern.net
Local heroes...
MICHAEL MANAHAN
NORDIC SOUL
KRISTINA CHILDS
KADEEJAH STREETS
J-SUN
MANOS
&
NIGHT TRAIN
Hosted by...
MC ANTON BOMB
Live painting by...
MICHAEL BRINKER
Photography by...
THERESA COLLINS
Nourishing liquid refreshment provided by...
The REGROOVE.A.NATION elixir bar!
A non-alcoholic elixir bar providing nourishing, delicious beverages
to regroovenate the body. Served to you by our fabulous Flight
Attendants!
Mackie sound by...
Innerflight & Luvshack
Coordinates: Year of the Monkey - 2917 1st Ave S
1am - Sometime Sunday morning
21+ $10
More info: http://www.nwtekno.org/vb/showthread.php?threadid=123615
Part I
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mtGloo5OHko
Part II
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iDcUKY9djyw
And, on Saturday, March 15th, come down to the ReGroove.A.Nation afterparty @ Year of the Monkey where I'll be serving up yummy drinks at the Elixir bar with the famous flight attendants.
ReGroove.A.Nation afterhours @ Year of the Monkey
This year Innerflight is going down to Burningman with a mission! This
will be the first of several fundraiser events for camp ReGroove.A.Nation!!
Special musical guest...
PHILLIP WESTERN [live] The Record Company/philwestern.net
Local heroes...
MICHAEL MANAHAN
NORDIC SOUL
KRISTINA CHILDS
KADEEJAH STREETS
J-SUN
MANOS
&
NIGHT TRAIN
Hosted by...
MC ANTON BOMB
Live painting by...
MICHAEL BRINKER
Photography by...
THERESA COLLINS
Nourishing liquid refreshment provided by...
The REGROOVE.A.NATION elixir bar!
A non-alcoholic elixir bar providing nourishing, delicious beverages
to regroovenate the body. Served to you by our fabulous Flight
Attendants!
Mackie sound by...
Innerflight & Luvshack
Coordinates: Year of the Monkey - 2917 1st Ave S
1am - Sometime Sunday morning
21+ $10
More info: http://www.nwtekno.org/vb/showthread.php?threadid=123615
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