Expectational
Manipulative
Self-Sacrificing
Projectory
Make Assumptions
Judgmental
Passive Aggressive (Indirect)
Controlling
Dishonest (especially with myself)
Bad Breath Between my Teeth
Don't worry, I'm not hating myself. I'm loving myself, all parts of me. Even the ones that I don't want. That's why I'm writing this, because in order to get rid of these traits, I must first know about them. Willingness to reach inside of yourself and pull up the garbage takes incredible strength and character and I know that. But man, its tough, TOUGH to see the dark parts of yourself. A friend - and healer - gave me a book to read that has been monumental in finding traits that I want to distinguish and cycles that I indulge in that cause them to surface. Its called In the Meantime by Iyanla Vanzant and I recommend it like I recommend The Four Agreements.
Cycles. They're like riding a bike. After nearly four years of being in a relationship, the minute I become single again, I fall back into the cycles I had back when I was 28. But I'm very different than I was back then, and those behaviors no longer represent who I am today. They don't fit. Wait, don't get me wrong, the 10 Things I Hate About Me do fit. Its the behaviors that revolve around them that are unbecoming. As I watch myself perform them, I feel appalled, embarrassed, ashamed.
But I can't take all the credit for the 10 Things. Its learned. Not entirely from my parents, but much.
You spend your 20's undoing all the things your parents did to you.
You spend your 30's undoing all the things their parents did to them.
My childhood was amazing and I'm blessed with three parents who love and support me no matter what. And they broke cycles, many cycles, just like I'm breaking the cycles that they didn't know about and that I picked up from others along the way. And despite standing just above a water of depression and indulging in an increased desire to drink, I realize that the time that comes just after ending a long-term relationship is a blessing. And being single is a blessing, just like being in a relationship is a blessing. Because its the best time to open the blinds to your own self and start the process of throwing away those things that you no longer need.
Some things are easy to get rid of (flossing more would greatly benefit my morning breath). Some things, like being dishonest with myself, are harder to see. I think of two more things The Healer told me.
One is that there are 4 levels of change.
Level 1: You don't know that you have something you want to change.
Level 2: You know you have something you want to change, but can't see when you are doing it. Level 3: You know you have something you want to change, can see when you are doing it, but you can't stop yourself from doing it.
Level 4: You know you have something you want to change, you see yourself doing it and you make the CHOICE not to do it. So much about cycles is understanding when you have the choice and then exercising it.
The second thing The Healer said that I hear in my mind almost weekly is 'Show compassion for yourself'. I am learning, growing, feeling. I'm am human, flawed, but I'm open and willing and I must give myself room to grow and the support I need to work through it. And so, its not 10 Things I Hate About Me, its 10 Things I Have About Me that I no longer have the desire to keep.
