There's a reason people who go vegetarian should strive to stay vegetarian. Not only because of animal cruelty or chemical-infested meats or because you should earn the right of eating an animal by first being able to kill the animal. But because when one decides, after a few months of not eating meat, to eat a bunch of meat on a week of, say an American holiday where it's okay to eat turkey because it was killed for others anyway and I don't want to offend my new girlfriend's parents. And since I ate it there, I don't want to offend MY parents because 'why would you eat it for them and not for us?', and c'mon, turkey and gravy tastes yummy! The foremost reason vegetarians should strive to stay vegetarian is because when mixed with two days of stuffing themselves with butter-infested meals, double-doses of dessert, a mexican buffet and a whiskey sour, one's stomach has a tendancy to ... reject. Reject, reject, reject. Right now.
So on Saturday night I was enjoying a gathering of friends at Last Supper Club when my stomach started to argue that my evening plans were about to change. I disagreed, telling it that, no, there were many people there that night that I wanted to visit with and I'm sure a little trip to the bathroom would take care of your needs. Problem #1 -- club bathrooms are impossible to poo in. Even in times of dire need. Even though the bass is blasting much louder than dropping the kids off at the pool will ever be. Even though your stomach is about to split into 4 pieces. Nope. The gates are closed. No exit.
New plan. There's a free self-cleaning bathroom right outside of the club. Perfect! The reason it works is because you go in, use the bathroom, then leave. The person behind you (here's where it gets tricky) WAITS until the bathroom doors close, the bathroom cleans itself, and then the doors open again all spic and span. Problem #2 -- not everyone knows how to use the self-cleaning bathroom. I was able to get rid of some of the 'unwanteds', yes. But I couldn't find any flusher on the toilet. 'I guess it flushes when I leave', I thought. But the dude behind me didn't know he was supposed to WAIT until the doors closed again and he entered into a not so clean self-cleaning bathroom full of my 'unwanteds'. Oops. Okay, a little embarrassed, but who the f*ck cares, my stomach still hurts so bad it's making my eyes cross.
Try the club pooper again. Maybe since I've broken the seal, it will help take care of business. Um, no. Too many people in the bathroom primping and gossiping. I think the gates are now pad-locked shut. I'm back outside to the self-cleaning pod, but my paranoia from the last experience has now taken over guarding the door with steal spears and is piercing the insides of my intestines with them!
owwwww.
Plan C! Pepto... yes! I spot a convenience store on the other corner and head over there, my sides splitting. I asked the nice store owners for a small bottle of Pepto please, and did they mind if I drank it there? My car was right outside, so I finished the bottle off in the front seat and waited. Problem #3 -- Pepto does not work right away. Two bathrooms down, what am I going to do!?! Of course! ... Collins Pub. I ran as fast as I could up the street and was VERY pleased to find that Collins was mellow and relaxing and the bathrooms were absolutely empty. Thank you god. Thank you, thank you. And thank you again. After a while I exited Collins to a nice bartender saying 'Thank you for peeing at Collins Pub'. Little did he know there was so much more....
However, even after all this, my stomach was still giving me shit. So I gave in, said my goodbyes (quickly), and headed home to my own quiet bathroom with lots of toilet paper, matches, and a 4th reason my ass is staying vegetarian. Even through the holidays.
